Grieving After the Fact

I haven't posted anything on here in a very long time. I had convinced myself I was over the loss and therefore didn't need to write any longer. June 14th will be the 5 year anniversary of loosing my son Daniel McCarter at age 24. One would think after five years I would be healed, but I have learned grief of a child never really heals one just learns how to deal with it and how to process it in a different way. The biggest mistake I make was allowing others to dictate to me how I should grieve and now I am paying for it.

When I lost my son I was common law married to a man who had only been in Daniel's life for a few years and sadly he could only feel anger towards my son for pain he felt my son had caused the rest of the family. While I admit those are legitimate emotions to have it put a barrier between us in an already strained relationship. He felt I should just pick myself up after a few months and go back to being the person I used to be. He really discouraged me from speaking of my son or talking about my feelings. His philosophy was if you get up and go to work each day everything will be all right. I tried that for a long time, but all I did was cry when I was home alone. He even pushed me to dispose of my son's ashes before I was ready. Of course I was depressed but his pressure to get better faster only pushed me backwards in the healing process. I finally got so depressed that I put myself in the hospital for a week because I myself was suicidal on the first year anniversary. This step saved my life, but my common law husband acted as if I had been selfish and had interrupted everyone else's life.

Of course it was just a matter of time before this toxic environment was going melt what little relationship we had left. I unexpectedly left last summer after 12 years. I could no longer take the lack of communication, or human touch. I moved home to where my family is and where I grew up.  Sitting in my new home alone away from Colorado where all the destitution took place has given me the time and space to think about things and examine the pain. I realize did some grieving but it was a very fragmented way and I  probably never put the time and effort into grieving properly for Daniel or for my husband Terry who had taken his life also, 10 years prior to my son. For the past few months I have felt terribly alone and realize I did indeed loose my entire family that I had in Colorado. Even though I do have a sister, parents, and nieces here I still feel like I am totally  alone in the world. I am not sure why I feel this way, because obviously I am not.

I have found that no matter how hard I try to bury my sorrow it does reappear and usually at the most inopportune times! Last week I had just started a new job and started getting very nervous over a serious of three days when suddenly I started to shake and cry and had to leave. Later I realized most of what had happened had to do with the fact that I had pushed back the pain and ignored it. After I got home I cried for my son with my sister and a close friend. I dragged out my son's clothing and was devastated that I could no longer smell my son's scent on his clothes. After I cried for a long time I suddenly felt very tired and realized that I do still need to deal with the fact that he is gone and I will never have the answers of what really happened to him in those final hours of his life.

Now comes the ongoing work of occasionally taking that pain out of the box examining it and then putting it back away before it causes any permanent damage. Would things be easier now if I had dealt with this pain early on? Probably, but one never knows how grief will play out and affect our lives. It like a wave it comes and it goes, but luckily as time passes the waves get further and further apart.