Holiday Blues and More Loss

As everyone prepared to get away and enjoy the holiday I approached it with trepidation, not knowing how I would feel. I was happy the day before Thanksgiving because I had a extra half day off to get ready, and then it hit this was the first Thanksgiving my son would miss. Never again would he follow me around the kitchen waiting for the food to be done, teasing me as I cooked, never again would he eat his favorite Red Velvet cake, never again would he hug me and a say "Mom, I love you, I ate too much"

Then I realized I had to go grocery shopping. This devastated me, because I was in a grocery store when I received the words from an unthinking victim's advocate that my son was dead. I often have panic attacks in the grocery store. How could I possibly shop for food knowing my son was not going to eat any of it and try not to have flashbacks of June 14, 2007. Luckily my husband totally understood and went with me.

I cried much of last night, and this morning, but the rest of the day has ben good because I have wonderful friends who changed their own plans to come share the day with me. They knew I would need them. I lit a candle for my son this morning and it is still burning, and we baked the Red Velvet cake he loved so much in memory of him.

I received news that I lost another dear friend, but I don't know the details. I only know another beautiful soul has passed out of my life, and I will miss her. She always had a smile on her face, and I am lucky to have known. It was a pleasure to know you Deb. You brought me much joy in the years you were in my life.

Coping with the outside world

Once you have lost a child your thinking begins to change. It becomes us against them. Them being those who have never experienced the loss of a child and cannot even begin to fathom the daily pain we endure. I have had a strong urge to try to make my bosses and co-workers understand how this effects me. This my problem not theirs. It is my pain and no one else can experience, share it, or make it go away. I started a new job shortly after my son died, and I felt total isolation for the first month. How do I approach my bosses and co-workers and tell them I can't remember how do something they explained to me the day before? The loss of concentration, memory,and general functioning has been extremely frustrating. This is when I felt like I had to make people understand that the person they see right now isn't really who I am, but then I remember that person no longer exists. I do not know who I am now. A grieving mother, a survivor of multiple suicides, Kelley the jokester, the student, mostly just a lost soul now. I am lucky my new employer seems to understand, and has given me great support to make it through this. Not everyone is so lucky.

I took me seven years to learn function normally again after my husband killed himself. I am certainly not the person I was before that, and now I have to face that my only child is also dead. My whole family that I had is dead. Not only do I face new and old grief, but trying once again to learn how function again in a somewhat normal fashion. Kathy knows what I mean, as does anyone who has lost their child.

I will have bad days, but I will not wallow in my pain. When I am stronger I will find a way to help others in need. For now I am happy when I can remember what day it is.

The Angels Come

My heart goes out to the family I learned lost their child last week. I am sending this blog to them to give them the opportunity to join and share.
Yesterday I walked into one of the managers office and found him with tears in his eyes. He had just learned that one of our clients had just lost a child. I do not know the details but certainly understood his tears. Every parent goes through the fear of "what would I do if I lost my child?". Parents who have never suffered such a loss cannot begin to grasp it. The thought alone can bring a parent to their knees and it should. Our children are souls to be cherished. I encourage every parent to embrace every moment with your children that you are given. We don't always have the answers to their problems but don't let the sun go down on your wrath. As we who have lost a child have learned, there is no promise of tomorrow.

For anyone who is beginning this journey of agony, as hard as it is, keep going. You will cry rivers of tears. I don't think there is any way to avoid it. Your body will fail you. Your mind will fail you. You must be careful if you have to drive. You will think about suicide and maybe even begin to devise a plan. Just know, those deep painful feelings will ease up, so whatever you do, don't give up. Kelley is right. There are still blessings in this life and as hard as it may be to believe, you will even laugh again. Do whatever you need to do to get through your moments, hours, days, weeks, months and years. I don't know if it really gets easier. After two years I've learned to deal with it better, but I don't consider it easier. I think this is where shadow grieving comes into play. You may still loose your composure at times, but for the most part you are able to save those tears for the times you are alone.
In the initial stages of this journey I did many things. I took a two by four and beat the walls of my garage until I shattered the wood into hundreds of pieces. I was mad at the world and anyone who had ever wronged my son in my eyes. It was as if they had stolen some of his joy he could have had while in this life. I checked myself into the hospital per a couple of friends requests. They just didn't know how I was supposed to be reacting to this kind of pain. I slept day and night sometimes. I locked myself in my room for days, lost weight, threw up and stayed physically ill. I'm still ill. Thank God for good people. There are many. It is good people in my personal life and my professional life who have helped. God does send angels to help us through our days. Our children seem to stay right by our side but on a spiritual level. I can always feel the presence of my son with me. Every moment. I hope everyone else who has gone through this feels their children too.

Blessing behind the tragedies

I could sit here and tell you my life is over, or that I wished it was over. Sometimes I do feel that way, but then I realized all the wonderfull blessings that have been bestowed upon me. I have a wonderful group of friends that are always there for me. I still have my parents, and I a great job that really is trying to help me through this trying time.

Daniel was my only child, but I was blessed with two wonderfull step children tht I helped to raise so I wasn't left totally alone. I have a husband who lets me grieve however I want. For whatever reason two of my other freinds have lost their adult sons also, and we have each other to lean on.

Sometimes I want to sit and say why me, but if I do that then I have ask why Kathy, why Janice, or my friend Bev who's daughter was brutelly murdered last year. So much tragedy. I have to understand that when I feel bad many others in the world are feeling the same pain, and I need to mediatate and send out prayes for them as well. I was placed in this circle of freinds for a reason, and they are the biggest blessing of all.

Approaching six month

In two days my son will have been dead for six months. It is hard to comprehend, or accept. I asked my friend Kathy who lost her son 2 years ago when was the worst part of her grieving. She explained everyday was hard that somehow you learn live again, but not in the same way. She is helping me to understand that it never really leaves not do you want it to, because it is what is left of your child. I feel my son in my heart more than I ever have, and I know he will never leave me. It's just sad that Kathy and I will never see the men our sons would have become, or share time with them again.

Kathy's view

Yesterday I passed the two year marker. Sadly, I realized there is no
marker on this journey. It's simply two years ago that have passed.
Time doesn't matter. I think my friend, Kelley called it "shadow
grieving?" In these past two years I have learned to put my makeup on
and go face the world, but once I'm home, alone in my room, I'm back in
the same place I was two years ago. I've also learned to accept there
isn't a person, a pill, a thing that can make it better. Learning to
embrace the grief (as odd as it sounds) is the best you can do. It is
our grief. It is personal and no one can share it, take it or copy it.
It is as if, it is our friend. In two years, I have learned to open my
heart to the people who are important. Listen a little more carefully
when I can feel past the pain in my heart. Don't waste time with people
who aren't worth it. Don't accept things that are unacceptable. Our
hearts are fragile. We have to protect them. Mostly I've learned, while
everything is important, most things are not significant. Certainly not
to the degree we make up in our minds. Jobs will come and go. Time
will change the course of our lives no matter how hard we try to control
it. We belong to a much bigger picture then what we can begin to grasp.
I have learned to let go.....

Dealing with multiple deaths and suicide

What is happening in our society that make young adults feel the only way to solve their problems is to take their life? Have we failed as parents? Is life inherently more difficult than it was a few decades ago? Anyone who has lived through the suicide of a loved one asks these questions. I ask myself what can we do to stop this plague that is stripping us of our loved ones.

In three days my son, my only biological child will have been dead for six months. As I struggle with my grief and despair I watch others close to me suffer in much the same way. One dear friend lost her son two years ago in an accident two years ago. I tried to be there for her, and be a strong and supportive friend. Even though I had been touched by death before I really didn’t understand because it wasn’t my child. I loved her and wanted help but I can say I really didn’t want to completely understand. After all who would want to loose their child? It’s a dark place of shadows no one really understands until they have walked in the darkness.

One month ago, another dear friend lost her son to suicide also. What are the odds that three friend with adult sons would all loose their sons within a two year period. If I ask that question then I have to ask how my aunt lived through loosing three sons to suicide in six years. I thought my life was changed forever, when my husband killed himself ten years ago, but then to also loose my only child in the same way……there are no words. I look to my aunt for inspiration. She has dedicated her life help others. Her sister, another aunt lost both her sons also, although not to suicide, my uncle lost his only son in traffic accident. Before my grandmother died she wanted to know why all her grandsons were dying. No one knows. We just know we must deal with emotions and pain, and still try to make sense of our life.

I question every day that had I not married a man who would eventually kill himself if my son would still be alive? He was the only father figure Daniel ever really knew. He was 15, and he had just had his life torn apart. Did he learn the self-destructive behavior from Terry, did it bring on the series of problems he would face as a young man. I think multiple suicides in a family devastate those left behind that they often relive the pain until it becomes their own. It becomes a self-fulfilling destiny that leaves many seeking to escape the intense pain, and the need to be with their deceased loved ones that often the follow along the same path.

My aunts are veterans at the grief game, but my two friends and me are not. We deal shaking hands, overwhelming emotions, loss of memory, and post-traumatic stress. We are angry that we have go through this, we are angry with those who have intact families, we are angry with our employers because they do no understand our pain. They accuse us of wallowing in our grief; tell us we shouldn’t cry at work, and don’t understand when we say we are sick we are not making it up for attention. We get lost on way home, we drive in front of cars, buses, and trains yet barely notice it. Thought swirl so fast in our brain we can’t remember what we planning to do five minutes ago. We are told by our doctors to take care of ourselves and take time off from work, yet who will pay the mortgage if we do? Even though my aunts have lived through worse and they have continued to function I’d bet inside they struggle as badly as the rest of us. All I can say is they help the rest of have hope that someday we can redefine our lives.