Grieving After the Fact

I haven't posted anything on here in a very long time. I had convinced myself I was over the loss and therefore didn't need to write any longer. June 14th will be the 5 year anniversary of loosing my son Daniel McCarter at age 24. One would think after five years I would be healed, but I have learned grief of a child never really heals one just learns how to deal with it and how to process it in a different way. The biggest mistake I make was allowing others to dictate to me how I should grieve and now I am paying for it.

When I lost my son I was common law married to a man who had only been in Daniel's life for a few years and sadly he could only feel anger towards my son for pain he felt my son had caused the rest of the family. While I admit those are legitimate emotions to have it put a barrier between us in an already strained relationship. He felt I should just pick myself up after a few months and go back to being the person I used to be. He really discouraged me from speaking of my son or talking about my feelings. His philosophy was if you get up and go to work each day everything will be all right. I tried that for a long time, but all I did was cry when I was home alone. He even pushed me to dispose of my son's ashes before I was ready. Of course I was depressed but his pressure to get better faster only pushed me backwards in the healing process. I finally got so depressed that I put myself in the hospital for a week because I myself was suicidal on the first year anniversary. This step saved my life, but my common law husband acted as if I had been selfish and had interrupted everyone else's life.

Of course it was just a matter of time before this toxic environment was going melt what little relationship we had left. I unexpectedly left last summer after 12 years. I could no longer take the lack of communication, or human touch. I moved home to where my family is and where I grew up.  Sitting in my new home alone away from Colorado where all the destitution took place has given me the time and space to think about things and examine the pain. I realize did some grieving but it was a very fragmented way and I  probably never put the time and effort into grieving properly for Daniel or for my husband Terry who had taken his life also, 10 years prior to my son. For the past few months I have felt terribly alone and realize I did indeed loose my entire family that I had in Colorado. Even though I do have a sister, parents, and nieces here I still feel like I am totally  alone in the world. I am not sure why I feel this way, because obviously I am not.

I have found that no matter how hard I try to bury my sorrow it does reappear and usually at the most inopportune times! Last week I had just started a new job and started getting very nervous over a serious of three days when suddenly I started to shake and cry and had to leave. Later I realized most of what had happened had to do with the fact that I had pushed back the pain and ignored it. After I got home I cried for my son with my sister and a close friend. I dragged out my son's clothing and was devastated that I could no longer smell my son's scent on his clothes. After I cried for a long time I suddenly felt very tired and realized that I do still need to deal with the fact that he is gone and I will never have the answers of what really happened to him in those final hours of his life.

Now comes the ongoing work of occasionally taking that pain out of the box examining it and then putting it back away before it causes any permanent damage. Would things be easier now if I had dealt with this pain early on? Probably, but one never knows how grief will play out and affect our lives. It like a wave it comes and it goes, but luckily as time passes the waves get further and further apart.

Does Time Heal All Wounds?

Last week, June 14th marked the one year anniversary of my son's death. Today was the anniversary of his funeral. It seemed like no one except the immediate family remembered. I kept hearing everyone say "has it been that long"? Some say next year it will be better, but I know different. I've lived through suicide grief before.

When my husband killed himself the 2nd through 5th year was the hardest. Other people tend to think that time will help us heal. We never heal. We just learn to adapt. As time passes it is just one more day in which you are separated from those we love.

On the 14th I kept watching the clock thinking at 11:00 am my son was still alive one year ago, but by 3:00 I realized that he was gone at that time that fateful year of 2007. I thought about the time today again and realized in the evening there still people here at my house trying comfort me. I also realized at this time a year ago I became a zombie, who has been paralyzed with grief.

I miss my son Daniel more than words can ever say. I lost my only child, my friend, and my protector. Never again would he stand above me patting me on the head telling me I was short. I no longer have someone walking around who looks like me, I will never hold a grandchild in my arms, and I will die alone.

Standing Together

Everyday the number of suicides increases, and we as survivors must band together to lend one another support. No one else really understands the pain of loosing a child, or the guilt of being left behind unless they have experienced it themselves. For this reason we must be strong for each other, and keep the communication flowing. Today is the day to make a stand!

Heartbeat is a great organization. Find a meeting and go.

Is it murder or suicide?

Many of us are told our loved completed suicide, when in fact they were actually murdered. Poor police investigation, and the pressure quickly close cases comes into play here. Criminals often use this to set a murder up to appear to be a suicide.

What can families do? Pressure the police, or hire a private investigator. In my case my son was shot in the head in a very strange spot for a suicide. Many people have asked me what difference does it make he is still dead. I matters a great deal in the type of grieving the family goes through. The truth matters, and justice matters. Both suicided, and murder leaves a family with complicated grief, but at least if you know the truth it helps to know who to be angry with.

In our case we can't prove anything, but are satisfied the truth will come out eventually.

Pushed to the limit

I thought I was finally making some headway in my battle with the grief over the loss of my son in June. However, all it took was a few words from my employer about my focus to set me back months.
No matter how well meant advice is from others people should really refrain from telling someone who is grieving how they should feel or act. In my case I believe my employer was concerned for my health, but it sent me a three day crying binge. Not only did send me into a state of anxiety, but then it carried on through to the rest of my family. Now suddenly my family thinks they have an open forum to make demands on my emotions as well. I'm not saying they aren't entitled to their feelings, but Daniel was MY son. He had been in my current family's life only nine years.

I raised Daniel by myself for most of his life. We were extremely close. He wasn't just my only child, but my friend and compatriot as well. We always knew when things were tough we could count on each other. It was us against the world. Since he had become an adult he tried to be my protector. I miss him, and I miss the special bond we had. Yes, others in the family loved him, but they didn't share that bond.

Frankly, when my second husband Terry killed himself in dramatic style by forcing a stand off with
SWAT. I thought I was in hell for years, but now I've lost the last member of that family. I'll never forget the officers of SWAT telling me we are sorry but your husband is dead. I though those are some of the worst words I would ever hear , until I had some untrained victim's advocate call me in the middle of Sam's Club without asking where I was, or if I had anyone with me.
She just blurted out Staci (Dan's girlfriend) wants you to know your son killed himself today.
I screamed and screamed. I didn't care that I was in a public place. My life as I had known suddenly had come to an end. The same person kept calling me and insisting I come to Pueblo when I live in North Denver. She made it sound like the Sheriff needed me. After putting the rest of my new family at risk we drove for hours only to be told we weren't needed.

Am I angry. You are damned right I am angry. I am sick of people telling me how I should be acting and reacting. I went out and started a new complicated job, continued in college carrying a full class load and kept 4.0 gpa. Everyone else seems to think I should socialize and be at the top of my game. After my son died I lost three more people close to me including another suicide.
All I want is to grieve for my son in my own way, in my own time. If people think I am not functioning now then let them see what happens if the continue to push me. I need space and room.

Holiday Blues and More Loss

As everyone prepared to get away and enjoy the holiday I approached it with trepidation, not knowing how I would feel. I was happy the day before Thanksgiving because I had a extra half day off to get ready, and then it hit this was the first Thanksgiving my son would miss. Never again would he follow me around the kitchen waiting for the food to be done, teasing me as I cooked, never again would he eat his favorite Red Velvet cake, never again would he hug me and a say "Mom, I love you, I ate too much"

Then I realized I had to go grocery shopping. This devastated me, because I was in a grocery store when I received the words from an unthinking victim's advocate that my son was dead. I often have panic attacks in the grocery store. How could I possibly shop for food knowing my son was not going to eat any of it and try not to have flashbacks of June 14, 2007. Luckily my husband totally understood and went with me.

I cried much of last night, and this morning, but the rest of the day has ben good because I have wonderful friends who changed their own plans to come share the day with me. They knew I would need them. I lit a candle for my son this morning and it is still burning, and we baked the Red Velvet cake he loved so much in memory of him.

I received news that I lost another dear friend, but I don't know the details. I only know another beautiful soul has passed out of my life, and I will miss her. She always had a smile on her face, and I am lucky to have known. It was a pleasure to know you Deb. You brought me much joy in the years you were in my life.

Coping with the outside world

Once you have lost a child your thinking begins to change. It becomes us against them. Them being those who have never experienced the loss of a child and cannot even begin to fathom the daily pain we endure. I have had a strong urge to try to make my bosses and co-workers understand how this effects me. This my problem not theirs. It is my pain and no one else can experience, share it, or make it go away. I started a new job shortly after my son died, and I felt total isolation for the first month. How do I approach my bosses and co-workers and tell them I can't remember how do something they explained to me the day before? The loss of concentration, memory,and general functioning has been extremely frustrating. This is when I felt like I had to make people understand that the person they see right now isn't really who I am, but then I remember that person no longer exists. I do not know who I am now. A grieving mother, a survivor of multiple suicides, Kelley the jokester, the student, mostly just a lost soul now. I am lucky my new employer seems to understand, and has given me great support to make it through this. Not everyone is so lucky.

I took me seven years to learn function normally again after my husband killed himself. I am certainly not the person I was before that, and now I have to face that my only child is also dead. My whole family that I had is dead. Not only do I face new and old grief, but trying once again to learn how function again in a somewhat normal fashion. Kathy knows what I mean, as does anyone who has lost their child.

I will have bad days, but I will not wallow in my pain. When I am stronger I will find a way to help others in need. For now I am happy when I can remember what day it is.